


Hot Lap, or The Time Sherlock and John went on Top Gear

by K2Dangergirl



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:44:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K2Dangergirl/pseuds/K2Dangergirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock and John each do a lap in the Reasonably Priced Car</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hot Lap, or The Time Sherlock and John went on Top Gear

**Author's Note:**

> Much credit goes to "Fast Car Physics" by Chuck Edmonson, without which I wouldn't have been able to write Sherlock's lap.
> 
> I'm not tagging this into the Top Gear (RPF) fandom, because Jeremy Clarkson is just here as a character in a BBC Sherlock story, and behaves basically just as he would on the show.

Jeremy Clarkson: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. BUT, you are exceedingly fortunate today, because you are getting TWO stars for the price of one. They are a crime-solving duo keeping the streets of London safe for you, it's the man in the hat and his faithful blogger: SHERLOCK HOLMES and DR. JOHN WATSON!!!

[Applause and screams from the audience. Sherlock and John enter and are greeted by Jeremy with enthusiastic handshakes. He gestures for them to sit on the car seat sofa. The audience continues clapping and the TV viewers can see excited whispering from the women standing around the set.]

Jeremy: Welcome, welcome to "Top Gear".

John: Thank you! I'm a massive fan of the show. Watch it every chance I get.

Jeremy: Thank _you_. [after a pause] Sherlock?

Sherlock [humoring Jeremy]: I watch it if John has it on.

John: I'm not sure he _quite_ gets all the humor.

[Sherlock glares at John with a sidelong glance.]

Sherlock: Po-tay-to, po-TAH-to.

Jeremy [to John]: Should I be insulted?

John [conspiratorially]: I don't think so.

[They both grin, and Sherlock rolls his eyes.]

Jeremy: So. I would say that it seems a bit of a contradiction for a private detective to appear on television, but you are possibly the most public private detective ever to have existed.

[laughter]

Sherlock: I'm not a _private_ detective, I'm a _consulting_ detective.

Jeremy: I'll pretend I understand the difference there. But you work with the Met quite a bit, isn't that right? I got a bit of a speeding ticket on the M4 last week, I don't suppose you could--

Sherlock: Not really their division.

Jeremy [sighing]: Ah well. It was worth a go. Let's move on and chat about your car history. I think it's safe to assume you don't own cars at the moment, living in central London as you do.

Sherlock: Quite right. We do ride in taxis fairly often.

John: And in his brother's saloon cars, as we--at least I--am abducted by him on a regular basis.

Jeremy: Good lord! Why would his brother need to abduct you?

Sherlock [exasperatedly]: When my brother is feeling _meddlesome_ , and can't be bothered to communicate by _text_ like a normal person.

John: Yes, because texting _everything_ is _completely_ normal.

[laughter]

Jeremy: So you have a brother who abducts people? What else does he do?

Sherlock: He occupies a minor position in the British government.

[He and John exchange a sly smile.]

Jeremy: Okay, then. [He looks amusedly into the camera.] Back to the cars. John, let's start with you.

John: My car history is one sentence. I've never owned one.

[Laughing gasps from the audience and from Jeremy.]

Jeremy: Never?!? But what on earth are you doing here then?

John: It's not that I don't like cars, I love them. I've just never owned one. I live vicariously through every James Bond movie. [Sherlock snorts. John ignores him.] Grew up in a council estate, not much reason to need a car. I did my medical training in London, went into the army. I did drive some very impressive vehicles in Afghanistan.

Jeremy [looks excited]: Ooh, I bet. Tanks?

John: No, no tanks. Protected mobility vehicles, the occasional patrol or recon vehicle. If I was driving it was likely a low-key situation.

Sherlock: Otherwise he'd be _in_ the vehicle doing his damnedest to _save someone's life_.

John [a little embarrassed]: Yes, thank you Sherlock. I think it's your turn to talk about cars.

Sherlock: My car history might also be a bit brief. Technically, I've never owned a car either.

[Jeremy puts his head in his hands while the audience roars.]

Jeremy: PRODUCER!

[laughter]

Sherlock: My _family_ owned many cars.

Jeremy: You were the kid who got driven to school in a Bentley by a chauffeur, am I right?

Sherlock [after a pause]: It was a Rolls Royce.

[The audience whoops.]

Jeremy: And what did you learn to drive on?

Sherlock [longer pause]: A Jaguar.

[laughter]

Jeremy: Of course you did. What kind?

Sherlock: I haven't the faintest idea! Why would I remember such a thing?

John: No room on the hard drive for things like that. He saves the space to remember things about 243 types of tobacco ash.

[scattered laughter]

Sherlock [offended]: Ash pointing to a specific type of tobacco can be very compelling evidence in a case.

[Jeremy and John exchange glances.]

Jeremy [clearing his throat]: The cars.

Sherlock: Fine. We also had a Range Rover for things to do with the estate. The head groundskeeper drove that one most of the time. I learnt to drive, and still do it on occasion, but didn't really have a car-oriented adolescence.

Jeremy: So you went off to uni...

[John crosses his arms and glares at Jeremy.]

Sherlock: Well, I didn't exactly finish university, and if I'd had a car I'd likely have sold it.

[If possible, John glares harder.]

Sherlock [lightly]: Not exactly a shining example of young adulthood, me. But here I am now. We had a case in Dartmoor; I drove a Land Rover then.

John: Right onto a top-secret military base.

[laughter]

Sherlock [ _sotto voce_ , out of the corner of his mouth]: We're not talking about that.

[more laughter]

Jeremy [mock angry]: Well all right, then. If neither of you has anything interesting to say about your history of automobile ownership [he glares at the camera and mouths "production staff"], we'll just have to have a look at you going 'round our track.

[audience cheers wildly]

Jeremy: So you really want to see the laps of these two _utter_ ignoramuses?

[audience cheers even more wildly]

Jeremy [resigned]: Okay. John, we'll show yours first.

[Video playback begins on the television monitor between them. The car begins to move with a squeal of spinning tires, and drifts to the left.]

Jeremy: Bit of tire spin on the start, there, and you'll want to hold the line better than that in some of the narrower bits.

[John, on screen: Bloody hell, it's a jittery little bugger.]

Jeremy: Good through this corner here, your speed looks good and the steering is on point. Coming up on Chicago....

[John, on screen, has his tongue sticking out between compressed lips. He is concentrating very hard. The audience laughs, but kindly.]

Jeremy: Some oversteer there coming out of Chicago, that may cost you a bit in time. Now for Hammerhead....

[John, on screen: WHERE THE BLOODY BUGGERING F*CK IS SECOND GEAR?!?]

[The audience roars; John leans back on the sofa and covers his face. On screen, the car flies off the course and into the grass. The audience gasps. In a storm of beeped- and blurred-out cursing, John hangs on to the steering wheel and in the next exterior shot the car bumps back onto the track.]

Jeremy: That was a bit wobbly. But you've recovered, uh, _well enough_ , and are set up well for the follow through and the tires....

[John, on screen, whispering: ...and, clutch in...third...]

[laughter]

John: It feels so much faster when you're in the car. This looks rubbish!

Jeremy: Often if it looks rubbish it's actually quite good.

[The car on screen swerves wildly and the audience gasps.]

Jeremy: I'm not entirely sure that's the case here, though.

[laughter]

[John sighs exaggeratedly.]

Jeremy: Okay, the second to the last corner....

[John, on screen: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...]

Jeremy: And now for Gambon....that was actually quite good, and....across the line!

[audience applauds]

Jeremy: How do you think you did?

John: God, I haven't the slightest. Just hope I didn't embarrass myself too badly.

[He looks expectantly at Jeremy.]

Jeremy: Well, I'm not going to tell you yet.

[John collapses against the sofa; the audience groans.]

Jeremy: Not until we've seen Sherlock's lap as well. Everybody ready?

[Audience cries 'Yeah!']

Jeremy: I'm not sure we've ever seen a lap _quite_ like this one.

John: Sherlock is nothing if not unique.

Jeremy [dryly]: Indeed. Let's see the lap!

[Quick shot of Sherlock in the car. He is calmly glancing across the dashboard. Back to an exterior shot, and the car pulls smoothly and quickly forward. Sherlock, on screen: Twenty-five hundred rpm there, really with the weight and torque of this car, twenty-seven hundred is more appropriate, but I need to account for the wear on the tires from the previous drivers.]

Jeremy: [looks at the camera blankly]

[Sherlock, on screen: Okay. Shifting after the torque peak but before it redlines in first gear....and....there, don't want to lose any acceleration due to the change in gear ratio.]

Jeremy: Actually, he's quite right--

John [exasperated]: Of _course_ he's right.

Jeremy: Very nicely done on the first corner, moving well in the transition. And _absolutely perfect_ around Chicago--

Sherlock: You needn't sound _quite_ so surprised.

Jeremy: --but let's see how you do through Hammerhead.

[Sherlock, on screen: Start a little wider here, but I need a late apex on the final turn to maximize the speed going into this straightaway...]

Jeremy: That's just a beautiful line, there--

[John throws up his hands.]

[On screen, the car flies past the tires onto the final long straightaway; the audience whoops as the camera shakes.]

Jeremy: Well set up for the second-to-last corner, now going into Gambon, and--

[On screen, the car catches the grass on the inside edge of the corner. It jerks back onto the track, heading toward the outside edge. The audience gasps. The car jerks back to the left, trying to complete the turn, then spins partly around, almost stopping, and just crosses the finish line going backward. There is complete silence in the studio.]

Jeremy: And, across the line?

[John looks at Sherlock.]

Sherlock [primly]: My foot slipped.

[The audience, John and Jeremy burst into laughter. Sherlock sits in silence, punctuated by the occasional eye roll, while everyone tries to control themselves. Finally Jeremy can speak again, and sits up straight, wiping tears out of his eyes.]

Jeremy: Nothing if not unique.

[Sherlock sighs.]

Jeremy: You were, actually, doing _amazingly_ well right up until the last there. It's unbelievable. We have F1 drivers who don't do as well.

Sherlock: Well, an F1 driver would certainly understand the physics required, but wouldn't be at all accustomed to applying the principles to... _that_ car.

Jeremy: So that's the trick? Physics?

Sherlock [in his best 'save me from these idiots' voice]: Of course.

[John smiles.]

Jeremy [dryly]: Well, that certainly explains the Stig's reaction. Now. If your _foot hadn't slipped_ in that last corner, I think you'd be at the very top of the regular board. Unfortunately, that little...mishap...did bleed off quite a bit of speed. Sherlock, you did the lap in...

[Sherlock leans forward.]

Jeremy [triumphantly]: They all lean forward! Everyone leans forward, they are so anxious to hear their time! Even the great Sherlock Holmes!

[John is laughing. Sherlock sits up straight and attempts to convey complete disinterest.]

Jeremy [writing out the time as he reads it]: You did the lap in...one minute...forty-seven...point...eight.

[audience applauds, as does John]

Jeremy: Really well done, especially considering the finish. But you were _brilliant_ out there! Honestly, I've never seen anything like it from an amateur.

[John flicks a quick glance sideways at Sherlock.]

Sherlock: It's fine, John. As an automobile driver I concede my amateur status.

[They share another sly smile.]

Jeremy: That puts you....here.

[Jeremy put the strip on the board in fifth place. John nods at Sherlock in a congratulatory manner; Sherlock is wavering between looking pleased and looking thunderous.]

Jeremy: And now you, John.

John [craning his neck to look at the board]: Please, _please_ , let me have beat Boris Johnson.

[audience laughs]

Jeremy: His lap was wet.

John: Don't care.

[more laughter]

Jeremy: All right, John, your lap.

[John leans forward. Everybody laughs.]

John: I'm not proud!

Jeremy: You did the lap in...one minute--

John: Oh, thank God.

Jeremy: One minute...fifty-seven seconds...

[John is clenching and unclenching his fist.]

Jeremy: POINT THREE!

[John leaps up in elation, Jeremy shakes his hand, and the audience cheers wildly. Sherlock is also grinning and applauding. Jeremy scoots the bottom two times down a bit to make room for John's time, third from the bottom. John shrugs and looks around.]

Jeremy: Quite respectable, really. Considering the last thing you drove was a tank.

John: Not a tank.

Jeremy: Gentlemen, it's been a real pleasure. Thank you so much for dropping by. Ladies and gentlemen, SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. JOHN WATSON!  
[audience applauds; they shake hands all around as the screen fades to black]

**Author's Note:**

> Sherlock's time, is of course, Benedict's time from his visit to Top Gear. John does in fact beat Boris Johnson by one tenth of a second, although Boris's lap was in a different car.


End file.
